Author Topic: New and exciting parking company  (Read 1499 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Ewan Hoosami

  • Administrator
  • Follower
  • *****
  • Posts: 2227
  • Veni, Vidi, $chunti. I came, I saw, I assisted.
New and exciting parking company
« on: 03 April, 2016, 08:17:13 AM »
I’ve been working on a cracking business startup plan that involves managing private car parks. It’s important to convey a sense of professionalism so this could be reflected in our company name:
Fantastic Understanding Compassionate Knowledgeable To Help Everyone Brilliant Parking Alliance Ltd

We’ll need plenty of room on our signage to put clear terms so the company name can be represented by a suitable acronym. The terms then must be very clear and concise with the signs mounted at a height that even people with poor eyesight will have no trouble reading and understanding. The signs will also be plentiful so that our client’s customers could not possibly fail to notice them regardless of where they parked, say no more than five parking spaces between signs.

We’ll employ only the best people as parking attendants whose primary function is to assist our client’s customers. A secondary function would be to mitigate our losses. If an attendant were to notice a user breaching our rules they would be as helpful as possible and politely explain to them that they would be exposing themselves to risk of a parking charge. Invoices for parking would only be issued as an absolute last resort and only if there is a clear breach of our client’s conditions. The invoices themselves would be clearly stated as being an invoice and not dressed up as something else, like a PCN for example. Any attendant or any employee of the company (or director for that matter) found engaging in any predatory practice will be subject to severe disciplinary action which will include, but not be limited to, sitting through an entire BPA Ltd presentation at Parkex.

We would also have a proper in-house appeals department with each appeal decided on it’s own merits.There would also be a fluid approach to the terms and conditions. They’d be more what you would call guidelines than actual rules.* So if a customer stayed for 3 hours when the maximum stay was 2 hours but was elderly or disabled or had spent lots of money, the charge would be cancelled and a very grovelling apology issued. Parked outside of a bay when the car park is virtually empty, no charge. When the car park is completely full and extra paying customers have parked in the roadways, no charge.

We would of course provide this excellent service completely free of charge to the client. You are probably thinking at this point "How the feck will we make any money?". I’m glad you asked. 20% of all motorists are completely selfish and will go out of their way to break rules. Basically one driver in every five would fund our company. I read about the 20% in some BPA Ltd article or other. Just Google BPA Ltd if you don’t believe me. Whichever page you land on will likely have the 20% figure, they can’t help mentioning it, along with "We’re the recognised authority on parking" plus a selection of other rib tickling gems. So unless The BPA Ltd are not the recognised authority on parking and completely fabricated the 20% figure, then this is a sure fire business plan.

Now who’s in and more importantly, who wants to help me pitch it on Dragons’ Den?  <cash>

*"more what you would call guidelines than actual rules" is the intellectual property of The BPA Ltd

Appealing to the council is like playing chess with a pigeon. You might be a chess grand master but the pigeon will always knock all the pieces over, shit on the board and then strut around triumphantly.